“Okay, God, I forgive my father.” Sexual abuse at a
young age had left serious consequences–anxiety, distrust, debilitating fears,
and intrusive memories of the abuse. The abuse had also contributed to severe
mental illness. At the time I said those words, I’d just gotten out of the
hospital from my second inpatient stay. I was sitting on my couch, trying to imagine
how I could go on with my life. I was in my mid-twenties then, thirty-five
years ago.
Diagnosed
manic-depressive, I was more depressed than manic after recovery from
the out-of-contact-with-reality delusions that had put me in a locked ward with
injections of anti-psychotic medication.
I
hated my father. Forgiveness wasn’t on my agenda.
However,
I’d just read the Matthew 18 parable that Jesus tells of the unforgiving
steward who gets thrown into a torturer’s den because he, having been forgiven,
did not forgive. God has just shown me that my emotional turmoil was a
torturer’s den. And the extreme distress I felt was related, not just to
genetic susceptibility and the abuse, but also to my own
unforgiveness.
So,
in faith, with gritted teeth, I said the words, to God: “Yes, I forgive.” Immediately,
an ugly image flashed through my mind.
I
jumped up and stamped my foot. “No! I have forgiven him. Today, this day, from
now on, he is forgiven. The debt is canceled. Yes, he owes me immensely. He
damaged my life. It is, in one sense, unforgiveable. And yet, by grace, I will
forgive. I will no longer seek revenge. I will surrender hatred. I will rely on God’s power to keep that debt erased.”
When I took the step of deleting my father’s debt, I
didn’t know much about forgiveness. I just knew my own heart’s conviction.
I
didn’t know that forgiveness was a process, that I’d need to discover and feel
my feelings more fully, or that I could set boundaries against my father’s sin.
I didn’t grasp that I needed to empathize with my father’s pain. Nor did I know
that genuine reconciliation with my father would require his heartfelt
repentance. I just knew I had to choose forgiveness. I began there.
The
process of emotional forgiveness, to the point of giving up my hatred, took ten
years.
But
the decision to forgive was recorded in God’s books the day I said the words.
Whether
we cancel the debt we are owed at the beginning or in the middle of the
process, saying the words “I forgive X, for doing Y” is the center of the
challenge of forgiving those who have sinned against us. And, I am convinced,
my current mental health (no medications for past thirty-three years) and my
ability to be a psychotherapist began with those simple, yet powerful words. “I
will forgive.”
Has
God brought someone to mind whose debt you need to cancel? Are you willing to
say the words, “God, I forgive ______ for ________” ?
“I Forgive” was first published,
in a shorter edition, at
http://findingpeacedevotionals.com/2011/10/28/i-forgive.
Karen
Rabbitt, M.S.W., writes and speaks on emotional health, with a special focus on
forgiveness. She has been married to Jerry since 1972, lives in Illinois, and
attends a Vineyard church. She writes a weekly devotional at www.karenrabbitt.com
Read Karen’s
story in Trading Fathers: Forgiving Dad, Embracing God, her
award-winning memoir, available at online bookstores and from her website.
Chapter one is available free at Trading Fathers .
