The news came over the e-mail prayer chain with this subject line: Our 17-year-old son. We had been praying for Paul. He’d been experiencing shortness of breath, and after a CT scan, the radiologist discovered a tumor pressing against his heart. After more tests, doctors confirmed the diagnosis: Nodular Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. The prognosis is encouraging, a more treatable type of cancer, they say, which is good news. Meanwhile, an unplanned-for journey unfolds for Paul and his family.
Seventeen-year-olds should be looking forward to their senior year in high school, thinking about future plans for college/career, not mustering every ounce of courage to fight for their lives.
At times like this, I wrestle with God. Why? Why? Why? I know we live in a fallen world, one that isn’t immune to pain and suffering. I’ve memorized verses such as Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Yet those words can seem hollow and trite when we’re in the thick of it. We often can’t see how God can possibly use unwanted circumstances for our good. But I know for a fact He does.
Twenty-four years ago, at age 33, my life was interrupted. I fell on an icy sidewalk one night as I was leaving a meeting at church. I crashed down on my left knee. Knife-like pain jolted me. When I examined my knee, I felt relieved. It’s only a skinned knee, I thought. How bad could that be? I managed to drive to a friend’s house to pick up my son. I hobbled to the door and barely got inside when I collapsed on the couch in agony. A trip to the ER later that night revealed a fractured kneecap. Unbelievable! The doctors assured me I would be fine, but healing could take several weeks.
How about several years with multiple knee surgeries and months and months of excruciating rehab? What about plenty of couch time where all I could do was just lie there with my leg propped up on pillows? Life as I knew it came to a screeching halt.
I remember being vaguely aware that I could learn a lot from this forced time-out if I paid attention. I had fleeting thoughts that God was at work. I knew my schedule was way too busy, and I was always on the run. I could handle slowing down for a few weeks, but I never imagined that weeks would stretch into months, and months into years with no respite from the pain. It truly is God’s mercy that we don’t have a glimpse into future events. Had I known how long I would be laid up, I probably would have thrown in the proverbial towel. That’s it! I can’t handle anymore!
To make matters worse, I now had a front row seat to observe my marriage. It occurred to me that I kept insanely busy so I could outrun the pain and disappointment of being married to a man who preferred spending evenings drinking and zoning out to interacting with me and our two sons. If I stayed still too long, I’d be forced to look at reality, and that would require some response. If I pretended everything was fine, I could continue in denial--always running to the next meeting or appointment, making sure I was too exhausted and numb to feel anything.
My accident proved to be a moment of truth, a turning point for my life, as painful and difficult as it was. I reluctantly admitted the truth: My husband is an alcoholic. Our marriage is in shambles. I am miserable. And the most important truth—I need help. We need help.
Would I have sought help without the debilitating knee injury? Perhaps…but I’m not sure I could have stepped off the frenetic treadmill I had put myself on without intervention. God’s mercy became even more evident in allowing these events to happen.
Recently I heard a pastor say, “adversity will either break your back or bend your knee.” Maybe it takes some “back breaking” before we can bend our knees. I had always been self-sufficient and a mask-wearer. I didn’t want anyone to know how discouraged I felt about my marriage. As a Christian, I thought I should have my emotions under control and smile my way through even the most trying days. After all, I can do everything through Him who gives me strength…can’t I?
Yes, that is true. I can face any challenge life might send me. God has promised to give me strength. He has promised never to leave me—ever. My experiences, and I’m sure yours as well, can testify to that fact. Yet that doesn’t mean we won’t feel anger, frustration, pain, and grief over our losses. It’s part of the process of eventually coming to a place of acceptance. I needed to learn how to be real. I hate this…it isn’t fair…why is this happening to me? Those are valid responses and questions. But it’s where we go from there that matters. Will our circumstances break us down so we are full of bitterness and despair, or will we humbly surrender to the One who holds our lives in His hands?
Today I have the advantage of perspective; being able to look back through the years and to know without a doubt that God used this time-out in my life for good. Physical pain slowed me down so I could hear the still, small voice I had been avoiding. The long struggle with my husband Randy’s alcoholism drew me into a closer, more intimate relationship with the Lord. C.S. Lewis once wrote, “Pain is God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” Sometimes only pain can get our attention. If I had sailed through life without adversity, I could have remained deaf to God’s promptings. I would have missed out on incredible blessings and opportunities.
Romans 5:3-5 from The Message gives this encouraging news: “There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praises even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keepings us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!”
Even though I still have problems with my bum knee, I am pain-free most days. Occasional twinges of pain remind me of how far I’ve come, not only physically, but also spiritually. I have never felt shortchanged. In fact, the eventual miracle of sobriety for Randy and healing in our marriage is beyond anything I could have expected. I am grateful that in all things, even the diagnosis of cancer for a 17-year-old, God does work for our good.
To learn more about Deb visit her website at http://www.debkalmbach.com/ or visit her blog!
