Guest Blogger ... Ashleigh Slater

It was two summers ago. The lazy mid-day warmth of Colorado June filled the window-framed room at our local library. The chilly air of Spring was behind us.

My two young daughters sat on daisy-shaped stools, enraptured in the branch's weekly toddler time. Contented smiles adorned their faces as their chubby hands clapped along to "If You're Happy and You Know It."

I sat in the back of the room, my hands deliberately folded in my lap. Motionless. I didn't feel so happy.

My thoughts gravitated to my marriage.

Emotionally, it had been a difficult Spring. The responsibilities of work, church, and parenting held a strong grasp on my husband Ted's attention. And whether reality agreed with me or not, I'd come to feel neglected, unnoticed, unloved.

That morning I was experiencing the pain more acutely.

My gaze wandered around the room, studying the other parents as they clapped along with their kids. It was then that I noticed a 30-something father with his two small sons.

Something about him caused my gaze to linger.

Later, as I buckled my daughters into their carseats in our minivan, my thoughts returned to this stranger.

That's when concern set in. I realized what was happening. The seeds of a crush were attempting to take root, and my fragile emotional state provided fertile ground. I felt my resolve to keep my heart steadfastly faithful to my husband wanting to waiver.

Snapping back to my senses, I made a decision. No more toddler time—at least for now. I was unwilling to return to a situation where a crush had the potential to develop.

Since that day, I’ve pondered: What's a married woman like me—who wants to guard against even the hint of a crush—to do? Here’s what I’ve found helpful:

Be Honest. Relationship experts point to infatuations as being more about the crusher than the crushee. This resonates with me. After that day at toddler time, I got honest with myself, asking deep questions. Why do I feel drawn to this man? Is there a need or desire I'm trying to fill in an inappropriate way through noticing this dad?

Turns out, I desired the attention I perceived as lacking at home. The problem was that a crush wasn't the appropriate answer to this legitimate need. Instead, a proper response was to talk directly to Ted and work through it with him.

Be Accountable. It was two years before I talked publicly about that day at the library. I was too ashamed to mention it. But it would have been helpful for me to tell a trusted, godly female friend about the incident.

While it's important to pick someone who won't condemn or ridicule, at the same time she needs to be an individual who's not afraid to discourage the crush from continuing. I know to choose a friend who won’t just dismiss the issues of my heart as "normal."

Be Willing to Run. That June day in my minivan, I ran away from a potential crush. I quickly fled. I believe applying Paul's instruction in 1 Corinthians 6:18 to "flee sexual immorality"—can be like water on the developing flames of a crush.

Because having a crush while married is considered harmless by some experts, I'm confident there are a good number of women who scoff at the concept of these infatuations as sexual immorality. But as hard as it may be to swallow, from a biblical perspective, they are.

The thing is, the relevant biblical principles are clearly laid out in Matthew 5:27-28. Here Jesus says, "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Lust, defined as "to have a yearning or desire," isn't always sexual in nature. It can also be an emotional yearning for attention. And isn't that what a crush often is?

Committing to flee from lust, even in its most innocuous-looking forms, can safeguard my marriage against infidelity.

I learned a valuable lesson that day at our local library—I am not immune to developing a crush. But the good news is that through honesty, accountability, and the commitment to flee, crushes aren't inevitable.

A lot has changed since that June morning. Now when I reflect on my marriage, I no longer feel neglected, unnoticed, or unloved. While I do have the occasional day I long for more attention, it's not a defining characteristic of my relationship with Ted. We have successfully navigated through that difficult season.

And every once in a while, I think back to the dad at the library—thankful that he is nothing more than a reminder of my determination to always starve a crush.

Ashleigh Slater (www.ashleighslater.com) is the editor of Ungrind (www.ungrind.org), a wezbine that churns out weekly encouragement for 20- and 30-something Christian women. Her writing has appeared in the book Chicken Soup for the Teenage Christian Soul, as well magazines and online publications including Focus on the Family Magazine, Radiant Magazine Online, Guideposts’ Angels on Earth Magazine, and Small Group Exchange. Ashleigh lives in Colorado with her best friend and husband, Ted, and their three daughters.

Article Credit
This article was adapted from “Starve a Crush Club” (http://www.ungrind.org/2009/07/starve-a-crush-club.html) by Ashleigh Slater. It originally appeared on Ungrind.org. Copyright Ó 2009 Ashleigh Slater.

posted by Margaret McSweeney @ 2:19 AM